Unrealistic Expectations from the World? Audism?

What do people expect from me? They expect me to participate in social activities and to be part of the “common consciousness”. That is a fair expectation in my opinion. In this blog post I want to take a look at some circumstances and  obstacles concerning these expectations. I think it will be wise to read the definition of some of the words I use, they are Prayer-no-expectationlinked, as the word “expectation” was just linked.. That way we will be on the “same page”.

In this aspect I am thinking about what we expect and when we expect it in terms of my hearing progress. This is also a sore and difficult point on my behalf, since it is much about social interaction and how I am perceived socially. How I am viewed as a person.

As I’m going the path of CI rehabilitation and re-learning to hear, I am doing some discoveries about expectations of my recovery from both myself and others near and dear.

Me, a social outsider

All my life I’ve been a part of the hearing world, and thus a social outsider. Even among my closest friends and family, I got and still get, remarks and comments that hurt to the core of my being. I’m sometimes left with a feeling that people suspect me of WANTING to be isolated or withdrawn from issues that are talked about. I often feel misunderstood and misinterpreted. For instance my withdrawal from social events is sometimes being interpreted as a lack of interest, or attempt to socialize. That is so unfair and sad. I’ll explain why…

The more people talking at the same time, the more impossible it is for me to interact in a meaningful way. Believe me when I say I really wish I was able to interact with others on their terms, but there is a huge damage in my hearing that makes that incredibly hard. There is a limit to everyone’s mental capacity and endurance. My limit is shorter than most in terms of social interaction due to the nature of listening and understanding.

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Revisiting old demons (emotions) part II

1594255-1-angels-and-demons-or-angel-of-light These demons used to be much bigger for me before I had sessions with an psychologist for two years prior to my CI-surgery. The reason I want to write about them now, and share them with you all, is that it is my belief that the social handicap a dysfunctional hearing represents also makes these emotions (and others as well) grow bigger and more difficult to handle, unless focused on and talked about. (Be advised: I do not know what is “normal”, and I do not have any formal education in the field of psychology, only my own life experiences including two years in psychology therapy for a moderate depression. I’m not an expert.)

If left unattended and with unfortunate social climate (lack of compassionate, patient and understanding people around you), these emotions represents ultimately bigger issues than the hearing dysfunction in itself!

11FA89-apologetic In the aftermath, where I said my apologies (there has been many of them in my life…) the flashback feelings appears. And they are not nice. I thought I buried them a while back (in the context were talking about here), but evidently not. I guess I had hopes that I too would feel like a “normal” person in the aftermath of the CI-surgery (just to inform you all, I have not been activated yet). I think that these thoughts have been part of my what-I-hope-the-surgery-will-fix-thoughts. Anyway, a reminder to myself, that despite I’m now actually a cyborg, and I have prospects of hearing better than I have ever done in my life, my old demons will still be there, lurking and waiting for another episode where I loose my temper.

Why, I ask myself, do I succumb for the anger again and again? I have felt humiliated due to misunderstandings a million times, and every time it’s followed by all these other bad feelings.

covering-shame-for-blog I feel ashamed of myself, most often I have wrongly insisted on being right at the expense of someone else.

I am embarassed and feel guilty because I was wrong. I feel like I did something bad. I don’t like being wrong. I see myself as an informed and knowledgeable individual, but that doesn’t help one bit in a social context where I have to rely on my hearing and ability to lip-read and interprate situations and bodylanguage etc. And take guesses!

I feel sadness, because the misunderstanding and process of clearing things up first kills any good moods and happy conversation for everyone present. Secondly I feel sadness because I think it is bloddy unfair to both myself and anyone involved. It doesn’t have to be like that? OR?

I feel humiliated because I am, despite my intentions not to be so, has been mistaken about something, and it is public knowledge that I screwed up and made an ass of myself.

pity20partyweb800x6001 I feel sorrow (selfpity) because these kinds of situations are always hard reminders that I am not like “everybody else”. I’m a deaf person. An outcast.

Lastly I have regrets, because I feel personally responsible for getting wrongfully angry or righteous in the first place, and that I hurt someone and feel bad about that. Secondly i have regrets because I’m a stubborn person and in the heat of an argument, I’m pretty strongheaded and easily dismiss others arguments even before they have been completed. I’m sorry about repeating that mistake over and over again.

I had a thought about dwelving further in these matters, kind of debate with myself, but right now my head feels like mashed potato, så I will leave it hanging, and perhaps pick it up again later.

(Note to self, when I’ve been wrong so many times, I can begin to automatically take blame and say I did wrong?)

In the meantime, a little poem about regret:

A Farewell to Regret

This is my farewell to Regret,
Who served to teach me lessons
I shall not forget-
For now I have been acquitted
From the mistakes and the wrongs
I have committed
This marks the end of self-loathing
I’ve shed my tattered pieces
Of blame-stained clothing
Instead, I shall wear your pardon
Like sunlight falls upon a
Victory garden

Revisiting old demons (emotions) part I


Post-surgery day 7. A good day. Dizzyness has significantly decreased.

Today I want to dive into a very heavy subject: psychology. Or to be more precise: the psychological impact of hearing dysfunction in the social context.

I might begin to generalize, and if someone reading this should feel I’m plainly wrong, please feel free to leave a comment. I’m always open for arguments, and I might even edit my post if need be.

I had a very strange day yesterday. I feel my physical shape is improving rapidly and started yesterday with daily chores like the dishwashing (we have no dishwashing machine yet) and laundry for the first time post-op. Of course, I got tired really quickly, and the dizzyness didn’t make it easier to do things. First part of day was good and up-beat.

The latter part was more downbeat, and in an attempt to analyze myself I will tell you about an episode that gave me much to think about (yes, this is the therapeutical part of my blog ;-)  )

settlers We sat down for a game of “Settlers of Catan” in the evening, and things weren’t going my way, gamewise, so I became a little grumpy (I don’t like to loose…  “shocker” :-)  ) and I felt my opponents were conspiring against me. Then, during the game, I caught my opponents talking about what I had done in my last operations (in order to figure out what kind of cards I might have on my hand). I confronted them with this, did I hear correctly? And I got an immediate confirmation. That fired me up immediately. I got angry, and asked them not to do that, and that it was deeply unfair, since I could not follow their conversation properly. They tried to tell me somethin more, but in my I-was-right-about-my-suspicions offended game-rage, I brushed them off. What I failed to learn at that time, was that the conversation that had actually taken place, was a mock-conversation. One was thinking out loud, and the other made mock comments.

After the game I made some obviously unwelcome comments (still being angry, and feeling victimized by a unfair conspiracy that I believed at that time to have been acknowledged and apologized for) about the game strategies of my opponents. The result was that I hurt some feelings and we had to work our way through my misunderstandings. (I react strongly on unfairness, and therefore also have great compassion for others when I’m being unfair to them)

circle4 After understanding and acknowledging the REAL situation, and that I had been somewhat mistaken, I had the visit of what I call my old demons; the emotions called: SHAME, EMBARASSMENT, GUILT, SADNESS, HUMILIATION, SORROW and REGRET.

(this post got too long, the next part will be published tomorrow.)