Mentally drowned

Feeling of defeat is not a good feeling. Yesterday I attended my fathers 60th anniversary celebration and had some experiences with my hearing, or rather, the lack of hearing…

In the days up to his celebration yesterday, I had my son with me as I usually have every second (extended) weekend. This time I really had my hands full just dealing with my son. Not that he is raucous or anything. But my strengths go only to a certain level these days as demonstrated yesterday. I was supposed to bake a cake to the celebration, which I had voluntarily said I would bake. And I really wanted to do it, too. But the thing with my memory when fatigue hits is that it’s very similar to what happens when one has depression; performance is poor…

Luckily one of my brothers has gotten a knack for baking himself lately (as he is expecting his firstborn I guess his domestic consciousness arises 😉  ) and the cake supply was sufficient.

Family members who hasn’t seen each others for a few years have a lot of catching up to do. Usually I try to arrive a little early, in order to be able to have a few words with whomever gets in before there’s too many. This time the weather was bad with blizzard so the drive took it’s time…Cornered_20Kitten

I sat down in the couch in the corner (always try to avoid getting any sounds behind me) and could not distinguish anything that was being said around the table.

Being happy to see relatives, wondering what had happened in their lives lately, I guess I tried too hard in the beginning. I quickly got tired from trying to follow conversations.

My blessed super girlfriend sees right through me, and could tell how tired I became just by looking at me. She made me aware to take a rest by turning my hearing aids off. But in a situation like that it’s nearly impossible to be able to rest, because my eyes do most of the work. I scan the room to see if anybody has their eyes directed on me, if they are talking to me. And every now and then someone does talk to me, and I turn on my HA and lean forward to try to decipher what they ask me…

After a few hours I was shot… Simply shot….  No strength left, and I was on my “emergency battery”. I told everyone that I had to leave because I didn’t feel good, and I gave them a quick explanation. I’m lucky to have a understanding family.

But the feeling of defeat was quite heavy. I felt forced to withdraw before I wanted to. I hated it. But it was necessary…

Yesterday it was clearer than I ever have experienced… It is very difficult to describe the state of my condition then, but I’ll give it a try:

If you take a whole pack of chewing gum and chew on it a whole day you know you are bound to have an aching jaw, ok? This was quite a similar sensation: the side of my head felt like it had been pounded by someone with boxing gloves for a few hours. Headaches (on the sides, around my temples), a sensation of dizziness and all sounds was kind of like painful. The sounds were unpleasant and felt intruding and annoying.

Today, as I write this, my head still has this ring in it. I write this now even before I have gotten out of my bed, because I know that not before long, I will be mentally too tired to conjure any text like I want to…drown2

It’s a hellish place to be… Like being forcefully drowned mentally. And because the transition to deafness is so slow for me, I have fallen in some kind of trap, by not being able to protect (get CI) myself in time.

But here I am, and I have to take care of my son, myself, and keep on with my life. I know there is a solution for me up ahead with the CI, and it can’t come soon enough!!!

I have high hopes for 2008 to be the year when I either get word of when my first CI will be inserted…

I need it badly, as confirmed yesterday….

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7 Responses to “Mentally drowned”

  1. deafk Says:

    Hi,

    Sorry that you are draining yourself in conversation with your family members. It is unnecessary. However, have you talked to anyone else that has experienced with CI yet? Have you discuss further with several options before you go ahead with CI? Is it possible that you need to change your approach with your family that you may not be aware of?

    Thanks, deafk

  2. deafk Says:

    How about having an interpreter in the family conversations? We had interpreters in family reunions. Other had interpreters in family gatherings, or Christmas dinners.. Why not give it a try? I do not know whether CI is the only answer.

    Thanks, deafk

  3. deafk Says:

    I came to realize that your hearing fades away within a year… so recently!! I am sorry for your experience. Have you talked to a couple v/bloggers that are later deaf as adults like you yet? I can give you their blog address, ok?

    Her name is La Ronda, and here is one sample of her v/blog, The Ear of My Heart. http://www.earofmyheart.com/wordpress/2007/11/26/confessions-of-an-ex-hearie/

    Another blog’s name is Living the Question. I do not have her name yet.
    http://djembeslappin.blogspot.com/2008/01/do-i-have-to-love-deafness-to-accept-it.html

    Hope it helps. Thanks, deafk

  4. valerie Says:

    I understand the frustration with family gatherings. I use to do just like you. I always hated asking others to repeat themselves or trying to read their lips. I know you have wanted a CI for sometime. It does help me. I now can be involve in the conversations. Big groups are still a problem but I have only had my CIs since August. How much longer before you know about your CI?

    Valerie

  5. Abbie Says:

    Ulf,
    It is exhausting when you can’t hear a single thing and you are surrounded by everyone. Its taxing and I wish there was a way around it. I hated being put in situations with family but more so I hated going to work and facing all those flapping gums. I went from this crazy fitness fanatic to barely being able to get up in the morning. You are not alone in how you feel, its felt all over the world.

    I will be keeping my fingers crossed that you hear about your surgery date. I just have one CI and in noisey enviroments I have to say it is still hard to understand people around me. The microphone picks up a hell of a lot more then a hearing aid every did.

    Keep your chin up and your ears open, we are here for you!

  6. Ann_C Says:

    Ulf,

    I understand where you’re coming from. Parties and reunions are exhausting for me, particularly hard on the eyes, what with so much lipreading to make up for what I don’t hear with a hearing aid. I usually have to excuse myself early and try to take in some “quiet time” away from people. Don’t apologize for doing that, you really do need the time-out.

    Hope you get good news later this year and don’t forget there are many bloggers/commenters here who’ve been thru what you have been thru. DR is a great support base for all kinds of deafness. BTW, Kim is late-deafened and has progressive loss, her blog Living the Questions is listed above by another commenter. Good luck!

  7. Piplup U Says:

    😦 Your Becoming Deaf.
    ~PiplupU


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