Un-hear

How can one describe a permanent condition to someone who does not have that condition? If this condition is all I know, how can I know what the difference is?

The condition I’m speaking of is the residual hearing I have left. Just to be very clear on this matter: I have compared audio-charts with people who are totally deaf. They cannot on their life perceive a sound through the hearing-organ. My chart is basically identical. Yet I can talk to someone in a relatively secluded surrounding almost like a person with a normal hearing. I’m a bit puzzled by this myself.

The fact is that I’m deaf, but I can listen to music, hear sounds on films etc. Now, what do I get from the music? It’s clear that I do not hear what you hear, right? Well, my audio-world is unique, and I am at the brink of total deafness. It’s slow torture.

Right now my head is pounding. An area from just above my ears, going up to the top of my head is pulsating. The pulsating sensation is not like a headache, but it’s very similar. I can sense it down to my teeths and jaws.

I tried listening to music today, and I had to shut it off at once. I just couldn’t bear it. Felt like having stuffed my ear-canal with waxed-cotton, standing inside one of those old phonebooths with a boomblaster at full volume. Too much sound and too little space.

 Today I have a day of relaxation after a weekend with my very energetic and playful 7-year-old son and my girlfriend. The weekends is supposed to be a time of recreation, relaxation and fun. And it was, total bliss, really. Being with the people whom I care for the most in my life, and loving them and they loving me back. But, for me it now feels like I have been through double shifts of hard work all weekend. So now I really feel like I need a weekend after the weekend. It seems I’m good at mobilizing and channeling my strenght to where I need them the most.

I’m still struggling to feel when enough is enough.

Anyway, the sensation in my head does feel more physical than psychological. My ears are practically hurting, and for the first time in my life, it seems that having NO SOUND is the ONLY thing I can do… That is… Well, to be frank, IT SUCKS!!! Up to now I felt like I had a choice; preserve and rest until I need or want to hear. Now it’s just survival.

I know it’s a passing condition. I’ve had the sympthoms before, and they pass and I feel better againg for some time…

Still no reply from the hospital, and I’m growing impatient. I’d like to have something to relate to, like a future date for examination. I also feel reluctant to take any actions on this now. That is a surplus-task.

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