some days are up, and some days are down

About 6 weeks of steady and slow improvement in mental and physical status made me become more optimistic and want to stay in there and fight. In Norway we have great benefit-systems. Compared to most other countries in the world I’m one lucky dude. I know that. Still, there is so much wrong with the bureaucracy that people like myself have to go through when life is uphill. NAV is the name of Norways benefit-system. It used to be divided into three parts and is now about to become one giant bureaucracy as soon as the great reorganizing-project completes some time in 2008 or 2009. Will it be for the better, time will tell. I hope so. I hope the politicians know what they do.  Probably nobody do   :-)My personal improvement in health turned into a slight decline again, but I’m still staying my course on going back to work… I’m determined now.

The benefit-system is also a bureaucracy that scares me either way I go. I depend on it with my life, all my money comes from there. My life is in the hands of a sometimes crazy bureaucracy. I’m really glad that all the people I come across are really nice people who has helped me to the best of their abilities. But the system seems to WANT to cut off my benefits. And that is quite scary. It’s like lossing your job, only I experience this stress every time something happens with my program, or like now, when something happens to myself that I’m not in control of… In short; it makes things a lot worse for me, it gives me more to worry about… It makes me more sick again.

I don’t really know what I want to do with my working career right now.

If I go here, this could happen, and if I go there, that would happen. It’s my life, and it’s hard to make the choices. I can not be certain in any way that what I choose in this system is the right choice for me now, and for the future…

Part of my ambivalence has to do with the fact that things went well, and after I made the choice, things went a little bad again. This has a little to do with the system, yes, but mostly it has to do with what is happening inside me (because of the system)… I’ve got to figure it out somehow.

OK, taking on the system and deciding to stay and fight made my sleep worse again. Since I’m on a very low reserve, I don’t have much to go on. That’s factor one: SLEEP problems.

Sleep problems in turn wear me out. And when I experience stress when practically worn out, I get the stressheadaches and problems with concentrating. Just reading a short e-mail becomes a problem when the headache is present.

That’s factor two: headaches and concentration-problems.

So, I managed to put off the process another month… And we’ll see how the world look concerning working at that time…

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