some days are up, and some days are down

About 6 weeks of steady and slow improvement in mental and physical status made me become more optimistic and want to stay in there and fight. In Norway we have great benefit-systems. Compared to most other countries in the world I’m one lucky dude. I know that. Still, there is so much wrong with the bureaucracy that people like myself have to go through when life is uphill. NAV is the name of Norways benefit-system. It used to be divided into three parts and is now about to become one giant bureaucracy as soon as the great reorganizing-project completes some time in 2008 or 2009. Will it be for the better, time will tell. I hope so. I hope the politicians know what they do.  Probably nobody do   :-)My personal improvement in health turned into a slight decline again, but I’m still staying my course on going back to work… I’m determined now.

The benefit-system is also a bureaucracy that scares me either way I go. I depend on it with my life, all my money comes from there. My life is in the hands of a sometimes crazy bureaucracy. I’m really glad that all the people I come across are really nice people who has helped me to the best of their abilities. But the system seems to WANT to cut off my benefits. And that is quite scary. It’s like lossing your job, only I experience this stress every time something happens with my program, or like now, when something happens to myself that I’m not in control of… In short; it makes things a lot worse for me, it gives me more to worry about… It makes me more sick again.

I don’t really know what I want to do with my working career right now.

If I go here, this could happen, and if I go there, that would happen. It’s my life, and it’s hard to make the choices. I can not be certain in any way that what I choose in this system is the right choice for me now, and for the future…

Part of my ambivalence has to do with the fact that things went well, and after I made the choice, things went a little bad again. This has a little to do with the system, yes, but mostly it has to do with what is happening inside me (because of the system)… I’ve got to figure it out somehow.

OK, taking on the system and deciding to stay and fight made my sleep worse again. Since I’m on a very low reserve, I don’t have much to go on. That’s factor one: SLEEP problems.

Sleep problems in turn wear me out. And when I experience stress when practically worn out, I get the stressheadaches and problems with concentrating. Just reading a short e-mail becomes a problem when the headache is present.

That’s factor two: headaches and concentration-problems.

So, I managed to put off the process another month… And we’ll see how the world look concerning working at that time…

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In the process of going deaf, I can…

…give up (I’m on my longest sick-leave in my life right now) or…

Keep at it. I decided for the latter. It sounds better. In the long run my situation will improve. Someone said: “It’s what you do when life is tough that defines you.” I want to define myself as one who overcame difficulties and obstacles in life.

I just decided to go back to working. Not fulltime, of course, but I will research for various possible solutions.
My father gave me this advice: “Do something, even if it you feel it’s beneath you. What’s important is that you stay out there (in the worklife), even if it’s marginal, or boring. Then you will at least be respected for not giving up, and you will respect yourself more, too.”

Wow, that advice just blew me away (RESPECT, dad!). The very same day my psychologist (yes, I need therapy to cope with my life now) asked me what I thought would be a spesific happening that would make my life feel better. I answered a few things, and among them was: work…

Nobody else can work for me, I have to do that myself, even though my brain feels like a fuse-box that’s about to overheat sometimes… The trick is, that I have to pay attention to those symptoms when they occur, and just let them decide for me…. One thing I want to avoid, is getting a breakdown again…

Plan now is to work my way UP, instead of working myself down, like I used to…

I was too used to being tired. That means that the warning-mechanisms in me has been subject to a constant overload. Like a drug in your body, when used a lot, you need to take more drug in order for it to have an effect.

When my ears hurt

Especially late in the day, my ears feels like they have been electrically overloaded, like a red-hot fuse about to blow. It feels like they’re bleeding, literally. They are hot and sweaty, and I use cotton-tips to wipe out the stuff that’s in there. I do that because my hearing gets worse since the excess liquid in my ear-canal actually dampens the sound that travels from my hearing-aids.

I need all the sound I can get, but recently I have started to wonder if it’s more than my physical ear-organ can sustain. Why is it feeling like it’s gonna melt?

I went to visit my best friend today. He has a daughter, almost 3 years of age. She is very talkative and attention-craving, especially after a little while. I don’t blame her, all kids are like that. The effect it has on me is not a good one though…. It wears me out to separate the sound coming from him from the sound from her… I just have to cope with the situation.

I enjoy seeing my friend and his daughter, make no mistake about that.
It’s just that after 2 – 3 hours I’m dead meat. Exhausted. It’s really depressing to be so tired after a relatively short encounter with my best friend.

What’s worse is that sometimes I have reservations about seeing someone, because I know what’s in store for me…

In order to understand people, I have to concentrate hard. Really hard.  Not just at hearing, but at lipreading to. And when that’s not sufficient, I have to use my logics to guess what the sentences spoken are… Or sometimes I just use the old “cheap” way out; I pretend I hear. (ending up with feelings of guilt and remorse, just to make things better… NOT)

If I could make it into a formula to make people understand just how hard I have to concentrate to get what is being said to me, it would like something like this;

lipreading + (hearing) X 4 + (the logic of the sentences) X 2

= the total amount of effort and concentration. I’ll get into this more at a later time…

This new year bides for big changes

New insight is almost always good. And I need more insight. The world we live in is a not a place of straightforward easily understood algorithms.
It is a place where chaos and change is the rule. The ones who are the most adaptable will keep going somewhere, hopefully forward and up.

I intend to take my life to a new level, despite the fact that it is a hard and lenghty process.

Today I begin this blog, hoping that it will benefit me and others with hearing/deafness issues. It’s a new chapter in my life.

I aim to write well, to inform, to provoke. I aim to create a little more order and understanding in the chaos. For you, the reader, and for myself.